Donations from the public to poor Real Madrid

ANOTHER WEEK, ANOTHER MADRID DERBY Bang! Clank! Ouch! Oh, hi there, reader, you join us just as The Fiver is in its workshop/office/bedroom/toilet/pavement trying to knock up a placard calling for donations from the public to poor Real Madrid, who find themselves in a state of near destitution as they prepare to contest tonight’s second leg of their Big Cup quarter-final against city rivals Atlético, with the tie fiendlishly poised at 0-0. Real have already faced their bullying neighbours seven times this season and failed to win even once, and tonight they must cope without Gareth Bale, Karim Benzema and Luka Modric, who are all knacked, Marcelo, who is suspended, and Alan Pardew, whom they have not yet got around to appointing. It’s all very well divvying up practically all of La Liga’s TV revenue with their business partners in Catalonia, but having to go through the formality of actually beating other teams on the pitch, too, is proving very wearisome for Real. So come on, reader, give generously! Bang! Clank! Ouch! No, reader, we’re not still making that placard, because we’ve just realised that we’ve run out of wood and don’t know where to find any more. That’s right, reader, The Fiver can’t get wood, no need to labour the point. Bang! Clank! Ouch! That then, reader, is the likely soundtrack to tonight’s clash at the Bernabéu, as Atlético get stuck into their neighbours and Real grow frustrated at their inability to penetrate and the tussle degenerates into pushing and shoving and rolling and biting and kicking and mewling and puking [basically the good stuff – Fiver Ed]. “We want to savour and enjoy more nights like these because they don’t come around often,” blared Diego Simeone before that eighth meeting with Real this season. The Rojiblancos have problems too, much more serious ones than the fact that most English speakers have no idea who the Rojiblancos are, which is why hipsters should cease using the term forthwith. Firstly, Mario Suárez is suspended. Secondly, Mario Mandzukic may not be fit enough to resume his entertaining strop with Dani Carvajal and Sergio Ramos. But Simeone is putting on a brave face. “We have players who can keep us safe at the back,” he said, before adding almost as an afterthrought: “And attack, if possible.”